Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou Mind?

Trapped in the Closet

This might be the most amazing thing in the history of things. I've heard some pretty clever jokes, but this shit is unreal. It's R.Kelly's 'Thriller,' and it needs to be appreciated on some level. I got hooked after watching the half hour-long introduction (parts 1-5) and had to watch the rest. I've included a bit of a primer in case you get lost or want to jump right to the end. Oh, and the sweet thing about You Tube is you can actually play Parts 1-12 simultaneously, or alongside the Wizard of Oz or some nonsense. Hooray for mental illness.

Trapped in the Closet-Parts 1-5 -"He looks at the closet, I pull out my Beretta, He walks up to the closet, gets closer to the closet, now he's at the closet, damn he's opening the closet, closet, closet."-

R.Kelly wakes up in a woman's bed, her husband comes home, he hides in the closet, his cell phone rings, Kelly pulls a gun on the husband, who turns out to be a Pastor and who then turns out to be gay. R.Kelly calls his wife and a man answers the phone. He speeds home, is stopped by a cop and given a ticket and carries on. At home Kelly is reassured by his wife that the man on the phone was 'Twan her brother who is released from prison that day. They get tender. Kelly finds a condom on the bed, and his wife confesses that she, too is cheating on him with the cop that gave him the ticket. Brutal.

Part 6 -"I got a hangover, been trapped in the closet, slept with who knows, threatened to kill a pastor"-

R. Kelly and his wife has out their differences until the cop turns up at their house under the suspicion that Kelly has discovered his wife's secret and gone ape-shit on that ass. Nothing could be further from the truth, but the cop and Kelly have a bit of a disagreement over who gets to point the gun at who. There is a struggle, a single show is fired..and...I had to download part 7.

Part 7 -'Ooohh with a spatula in her hand...Spatua"-

It turns out that the shot fired ended up in 'Twan, R. Kelly's brother-in-law. 'Twan is dead, but then he's very much alive, and there is a knock at the door, but it turns out to be the nosy neighbor. Everything returns to normal, but I notice that there is a part 8.

Part 8 -"Do ya need anything. No. Well, I baked you a pie." "I bought you some pears, I'm gonna heat this chicken."

The cop who slept with R. Kelly's wife returns home to find that his wife is acting strange. It turns out...yep, there's someone in the closet. This is worth seeing just to hear R.Kelly's accent when he sings the part of the cop's wife.

Part 9 -"Bridget is allergic to cherries."

The cop searches his kitchen for the man who has slept with his wife. He finds him under the sink and, well, he's a midget.

Part 10 -"The midget says 'God I think I just shitted on myself.'"

The cop and midget go at it while the cop's wife calls R.Kelly's wife somehow and R.Kelly and 'Twan bust into the cops kitchen, guns blazing. I'm starting to get really confused.

Part 11 -"And 'Twan says what's that smell? Somebody done broke wind."

Wow. Umm. The Cop calls R.Kelly and 'Twan "Chuck and Rufus.' And..I'm not really sure what goes on. The midget is a stripper, and also, apparantly the father of the cop's wife's unborn child. My head is starting to hurt a little.

Part 12 -"Come on try it..bitch, skank."

The focus returns to the first bedroom where the first husband's gay lover is trying to knife the pastor's wife and R.Kelly's wife realizes that the woman he was cheating with was her best friend. Oh, snap. Is there a part 13?

I would love to se this shit on Broadway.